and ze wiener is...

This is a bit late because (as usual) I underestimated how much time things would take*. There was the cheezy moviethon that Fathers Day turned into (I watched van Helsing without complaining and if that doesn't say Happy Fathers Day I don't know what does). The 3 trips to check out a place that we were really warming up to until I realized what was hidden behind all those trees next door (lets just say they won't be moving anytime soon unless they get time off for good behavior). I also underestimated how hard it would be to pick a winner. Thank you so much for your absurd theories. They cheered me up enormously and helped get my mind off all the stress.

So without further ado the grand prize winner of absolutely nothing is (drum roll please)

Stitchy Fingers!

The winning theory - they read your blog and are awarding points to 1) how many times you mention them 2) how upset you get 3) clues to whether you're willing to raise your offer 4) do you really believe that there is another offer.

* It was overestimating my ability to press the publish post button that caused the biggest delay though. This has been sitting in my drafts folder for 2 days. Whoopsie

Moving On

He went with the other people. Whatever. I'm over it. It's not as if I liked the kitchen so much that I saved the picture from the listing. I certainly didn't dream that the owner went w the other people but called to tell us who did his kitchen. I definitely didn't plan on where I would put my Muppet canisters and the pic I would take to show it to all of you. Nope, wasn't me. We got the news while we were at the Yankees game thanks to a pair of last minute freebies from my SIL so I couldn't cry-kick-scream-curse. Not while the Yankees had the lead anyway. Instead I fumed and performed the expanded version of Carlin's most famous routine in my head for the rest of the game. Since then I've been constantly hitting refresh on the MLS listings and last night we drove up and took a second look at some neighborhoods. There are a few new listings that look promising and hopefully we will get to see them this weekend. I'll post the winners of the contest this weekend too. In the meantime here is some more Hawaiian eye candy.

Doris Duke's Shangri La

BONUS pic!

Hawaiian Penguins

These poor little guys were at the crazy Hilton (correct me if I'm wrong, babe) that was across the street from our hotel in Oahu. I wonder if they are all huddled in the back because that's where the AC is or if they just want to be as far away from the tourists as possible. Sorry for the crappy pic. We were in a rush to get to the beach in time for sunset (that was a tough day).

PICK ME!

I'm sick of typing "the owner" so I'm calling him the tiger from now on. The tiger finally called about 20 minutes ago. He apologized for not calling early and blah blah blah they still haven't decided. They will call tomorrow. Wednesday at the latest but probably tomorrow. How can someone so polite be so evil? Clearly the mild mannered thing is an act. The contest continues until the tiger cuts me loose.

A contest ! Maybe even with prizes!

Wednesday night I found out why the owners were so eager to take the other offer. It was for cash. A real plus since the owners want to close by the end of this month. They told Dv this because now the buyer is talking about financing and he seems to have annoyed the owner. So the owner asked us to look into an appraiser and basically be ready because he might decide to go with us. Exciting, right? And also very very mean. He has promised to tell us either Sunday night or Monday morning, depending on how late he and his wife get back from the weekend (How can he go away at a time like this!) So I have all weekend to think things like ;"I hope I get the place. I'm never going to find a place with such a nice kitchen for that price. A slipper chair would look so nice next to the fireplace. Dammit Jess stop thinking like you'll get it! Now you've jinxed it. " rinse and repeat. Then of course there is the ultimate question, Stress Eating vs Anxiety Induced Nausea; who will win? So in an effort to keep myself sane I've devised this desperate plea for comments mildly amusing game.

Tell me why they need to close so soon. Some background; They seem like nice people. I've only meet the husband but he seems like just your everyday blue-collar mid thirties just started a family suburbanite. Drives an SUV, has boring even by Pottery-Barn-standards taste in furniture. His new house probably has a picket fence. He's pretty good looking and I imagine his wife and child are as well. By suburban standards. Really you don't have much to go on. Be as outrageous as you like. There are no censors here. Points will be awarded for making me laugh out loud, 2 points for making Dv laugh out loud, Triple points if either one of us shoots a beverage out our nose while reading your comment (I cannot guarantee that every post will be read while drinking but what are the chances that we'll stop at this point). 4 points if you make Dv blush (0 points for making me blush. There is no challenge in making a redhead change color.), 1/2 point for including a pun and so on. Oh and points for sending people here since my already slim readership is probably all off enjoying the summer. Actual prizes will be awarded if we get the place and if not you can all be disappointed with me.

She Loved Bamboo

There is something so sweet and simple about that epitaph. I can't help thinking of Edward Gorey when I read it, though I doubt the pages preceding it would be so innocent.

Well this sucks

So we went to take a second look at the place. On the way over we went over our opening bid, confirmed our max. Get out of the car say hello to the seller and he tells us he accepted an offer. Today. Like a few hours ago. Even though he had an appointment with us. He couldn't wait a few hours. The cherry on top? The place was nicer than I remembered. I tried to find out how much the offer was for. I tried to make us sound like ideal buyers (Hey babeee you should see my preapproval letter. I've got a credit score the likes of which you've only dreamed about.) If his current offer falls through he'll call us. The buyers already have financing set up so I don't have much hope.

Did I mention we are house hunting?

We might make an offer on a place tonight. The owner claims he's received offers. Has he? Why did he turn them down? The suspense is killing me. I don't like not knowing. I'm not good at wheeling and dealing. A friend who is says we should offer 90% of the asking price which sounds ok until you do the math and jesus it looks so much lower in dollars. Or is it? Who the hell knows. I'm way too worried about offending someone (prob because I do it so often by accicent). I wish some of the blogs I read covered this stuff. I get way too much info from blogs. Why don't I know more people who have done this already! And of course we are doing this without a broker because involving a professional would just make this too easy. We do have a lawyer so we probably won't get ourselves in too much trouble. I'm trying not to get too attached to the place. Sure its in a great town and the kitchen is beautiful and all that but the bedrooms are kinda skinny and the bathrooms need to be redone. Oh, but that isn't even a negative. I can't wait to redo a bathroom. Any other room in the house I would be totally frozen about redoing but a bathroom thats just fun. Well maybe not the hoisting ceramic thrones but the tilework and all that no prob. I'll be so happy when this is done. Dv thinks it will cost about 1K to move. I have no idea where he came up with that number. We don't plan on hiring movers after all thats what family is for. We put up with those loons for things like this. We'll have to rent a truck but how much does he expect to spend on boxes and bubble wrap? Screw bubble wrap! We'll just wrap everything in yarn. It's the right thing for the environment. OK, I need to take a deep breath and go to my happy place.

Send the Peanuts to bed

I've got a little something for the peahens.


As further proof of how the internet is the worst thing to ever happen to procrastinators and the easily distracted I present this. I found it while researching something* for this post. It's clearly the love child of an infomercial and a Letterman skit.

*I was trying to verify that baby peacocks are officially called peanuts (turns out they aren't but I used it anyway because I know some people use it and it sounds better than peachick)

LOL SKEIN